I have always been a planner and someone who likes to be in control of my life.
I can remember being in high school and mapping out my life….like when I would get married, how many children I would have, where I would go to school, what I would do with my life, etc.
In college my freshman year… I literally mapped out all my courses and classes for the next four years. Because I needed to have a plan!
Sometimes my plan has worked in my favor, and other times I have totally seen how God had a better plan. And, even though His plan may seem harder… it was/is always best!
Since that time in my life (high school) I have had to relearn the lesson of letting God be the planner and not me. Sometimes He would just have to knock me flat on my bottom before I would get the lesson. Other times it was subtle. But this issue seems to constantly creep up in my life.
One specific example I can think of was when I was dating Scott. I was 26 soon to be 27 and this plan I had for my life of marrying in my early 20’s had come and gone. I was beginning to wonder if I would ever get married or find someone who wanted to get married.
I had this knack for dating the wrong person, or a great person that was just not the one for me.
Well, I had finally found Scott. The right kind of person, and who I believed to be the right person for me. But in my opinion, he was not reciprocating those feelings. I recall a conversation we had once after we had been dating for like 5 months…
He said he was developing very strong feelings for me, that he felt he was falling in love with me. But, he just didn’t feel like he was supposed to get married, at least at that time.
Well, that was hard to stomach as a girl who was in love and believed she had found the one! I remember thinking…I can just show him he is supposed to get married. He is supposed to marry me. Or I could pray him in to this decision…. change him…Because this was all in my plan. And I was going to control the plan.
Well, my little plan was not working. He had not changed. Fast forward to a few months later and we were together on a church retreat with many friends.
I remember being challenged in a great way at the retreat, and was convicted that I once again was trying to play God and be in control.
On Saturday night of the retreat, I got alone with God and I remember praying. God I give up! You can have all of me. You can have my plans. I am even willing to be single for the rest of my life… if that is what you want for me. (Something very scary for me to say, by the way) And I meant every word with all my heart.
Well, a couple of months later Scott proposed. I was shocked and so very happy. Shortly after our engagement, Scott told me that while were on that retreat, God revealed to him and gave him a peace that it was okay to ask me to marry him. He said it happened on Sunday morning of our retreat, just before we headed home.
It dawned on me… the Saturday night before I had totally given up on Scott and more so on my plan of marriage. I released him and my plans to God. And then the next morning He told Scott it was okay.
What I learned in that scenario… is sometimes I stand in the way of my own plans, but especially God’s. It wasn’t Scott who needed to change… but me!
But like I said this is reoccurring in my life.
Now I think of the years I wanted to pursue adoption, but my husband did not have the peace to start yet. Once again, I prayed for God to change him.
Then after 5 years of praying he would change… I finally got alone with God and said I give up, once again. God I give this plan to you, and it is okay if it does not work out.
The next day, Scott felt led that it was time for us to start the adoption process. Once again, I was standing in the way. It was about my plan and my timing… not God’s.
You know the weird thing about both of these scenarios… is they were both good things. Godly marriage and adoption which are both promoted all through scripture. But I have observed even planning Godly things or doing Godly things… you still may have selfish motives inside, or that particular Godly thing, may be your plan and not His. He doesn’t just want us to make good decisions… He wants all of us. Full Surrender!
So, once again… I learned this lesson at the very beginning of our adoption process, and now seem to be learning it again towards the end of our process.
To be continued…